At times I want to really die and everyone thinks that’s ok. That’s just statistically normal.
People I’ve never met want me to suffer and society doesn’t attempt a change. It’s always the same threatening circumstances and laws inhibiting me from everything I ever wanted. How can you monsters not allow me to put insurance on the only thing that will keep me safe from you. My surgery.
Lately, I found myself at odds with my personal agendas and the goals of my community more than usual. To begin making any sense I consider myself the anti-transwoman. I hate the acronym,I don’t want to walk down streets waving flags,painting rainbows or h8 on myself . I refuse to let my key feature be the fact I used to be male in any way possible.
( I do protest or make statements where and when I can. This blog being on of those places)
Honestly, If I wasn’t being tortured by the truth I’d keep it as quiet as possible and not even write this. I’d like my origins to be as big of a mystery as I can make it.I want my life to be as close to what a cis version of myself would be. Beyond people I might have sex with and the few people, I’m forced to tell like employers I typically say nothing .
I personally feel that being labeled as Lgbt threatens that.
To me personally, pairing the words at all reinforces this stereotype I’m just a man with girls clothes or any of my personal battles I had finding myself are similar to the ones some people might encounter dating. It’s not. It’s not at all. I grew breast god damn it! I have even more estrogen in my blood than testosterone.Do not belittle what my body had to endure by including with it with anything else but what it is.A privilege….
Earlier today I saw a man,his girlfriend, and their baby while I was on the train.I couldn’t help but stare as he fumbled his bicycle into the train alongside the babies stroller without care. His girlfriend was equally clumsy and careless of the babies well being.
The boyfriend’s bike nearly collided with the babies face multiple times right before he nearly dropped his bicycle onto me. He was high but on something much stronger than weed.
I almost cried when the realization hit me . Some twisted higher power wanted these horrible people to procreate and not me.Why?
So yesterday. I finally managed to find a new job after 3 months of looking. Which makes me really excited because now I can start saving up for my top surgery & SRS again.
Sometimes it really depresses me how many times I managed to mess things up before getting my plans together. It’s been one nasty episode after another since I got kicked out in 2008. But things are finally looking up. I’ve even been looking for a second job. While simultaneously trying my hardest to avoid suggestions of Web cam modeling even though I heard it’s a quick solution to a massive problem . The burden of exposing myself to the will of the internet just intimates me.Once they lay their eyes on something they usually never forget and will use it to hurt my character . (Especially in an environment no one else knows I’m Trans.)
I have no idea how I’m going to accomplish something so expensive in the next 3 years legally .While additionally finding a job safe enough in my area at night without a car. I really wish being trans didn’t lead me to so many situations that I’ve either been attacked or sexually assaulted. But I have to overcome my fear and pull my shit together.
This is a discussion that comes up typically among myself on message boards. But recently there has been an overwhelming amount of transmedia being portrayed by cis people. However what bothers me the most that almost everytime it comes up. I have to argue my point of view with cis people or other transpeople.This for us equates to blackface. In some cases, it not only depicts us in a negative light but also takes our accomplishments, stories, and failures away and repurposing them into something that can be mass monetized . It’s almost like they feel entitled to do as they wish with what little history or voice we have while simultaneously being embarrassed by our existence.
(I’m not done with this I just need to wrap up before bed but I plan to post another microblog about this within the next two days that will be much more in-depth.)
Ok, I’d like to start by saying if you’re a younger trans person looking for his or her way. Do not use this site. I just got done having an argument with their mod staff. Who are literally the most bias people I’ve ever encountered ?
Earlier I wrote this post. (Read it if you want https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?reportsent;topic=215007.msg1904309#msg1904309) (I’m Kirahrose001 and An0npr0xi01) which was a list of things I didn’t like about being a Transexual? The thing that they focused on was that I personally believe the trans-community and gay community have different goals and priorities . Which is cool but because of that their community views might not always have our best interest all the time and maybe we should just do our own thing instead of being an acronym.But should still stand up for one another as humans. I don’t like that were fused together. But if you don’t agree with me that’s fine.IDC and please don’t focus that issue I’ll probably post about that another time. My problem is rather than actually reading my post. They locked it for 2 days. They didn’t give a reason at all.
The best I got was when I asked the third time. She responded.
“Hi, your reports have been received. As stated, the thread is under review. You should be hearing from a moderator or the Forum Administrator about it once a decision has been made.
Which basically means she either didn’t read my post or locked it before she even had any idea why? I’m guessing it was flagged.
The second day I got angry. Because even though you might not agree I spent more time then I’d like to admit texting that entire series of post on a cell phone.
So I wrote back after the second day.
“Figures you guys would lock this for 2 days not give a real reason other than you felt like it. Now it’s not even going to get attention since its an older post. I hope I can find an outlet to meet people but this is ridiculous and if you can do me the favor of deleting my accounts that would be great.”
The next day she actually did respond.
“Topic unlocked, one post removed.
In posting I do not want discriminatory comments made about the gender diverse community. All members of the community are equal and are represented by this site. Suggesting that some groups are less than others is discriminatory and is not supported on this site.” Cindy
I went out of my way multiple times to explain this isn’t a crack at gay people. We just have different plans and the main thing that really holds us together is who beat us up. You don’t even have to agree. But my major problem is rather than coming to me and telling me in the post maybe I’m wrong they used their authority because they couldn’t find a point. Considering they wrote a very generic response with no actual details of the event I doubt she read more than a couple of sentences.
Eventually, I gave up and said.
“That’s not at all what I said. I said these two different groups with two different goals that might not need to be together in an acronym in more or fewer words. But still, should stand by one another as human beings. I didn’t say anything about one group being any more important than the other and went out of my way to reinforce that (Yes an0npr0xi is my duplicate account that is synced to my phone but that should be obvious). However, if you really need to phase one of my posts out because you didn’t bother to read it that’s alright leave it locked. I don’t feel comfortable posting here if locking post is what solves debates and rather than well structured different opinions .Especially if know I didn’t intend or insult anyone. I feel that I’m owed an apology otherwise have a nice day.”
Later I learned that I’m not the only experience like that . I found an older post on Reddit with loads of people having similar issues with the mod community over in my opinion much more important topics.
Consider this warning for anyone looking for an outlet they are basis af.
Lately I’ve been pretty busy with work and don’t have as much time to think about posting . But I was thinking about legal-loopholes to work you way around those laws in no particular order.
I know it seems harsh but until they actually have people sitting next to the door there is no way they’ll know. Unless of course your clockable. I know its easier said than done.But realistically they’d have no way of telling a trans person from a cis person. It’s impossible unless they physically try to find out.
Warning: if you haven’t mastered your voice,do not talk until your in a safer environment.
2: Changing your gender marker in another state.
I found out about this through research. Legally you can appeal in certain States like New York, Missouri,California,Pennsylvania,Massachusetts,Vermont,Washington,Oregon,Colorado,Illinois,Maine,Connecticut,Minnesota,Iowa,Hawaii and New Jersey before sexual reassignment surgery to change your gender marker.In order to do this you don’t even need to move. You just need to go to their local dmv and change your legal residence. I suggest asking a close friend or family member you know in these states to use their address you wish to change it to (this will make you a legal resident of there homes as well). Then appeal your gender identity in court. Typically judges will grant this because would take far more time and money to fight it. ****Do not tell them why your doing it** Just respond I would like my I.d. to match my gender identity or something to the same effect.
I know that is a pain in the ass.I know a lot of this is probably not legal.
But we need to do what we can to stay safe.
Also this same tactic can be used to get insurance in another state for Srs. If your state considers it a cosmetic procedure this may be the alternate route your looking for.
I plan on posting more ways to circumvent these laws when I have time.
Please share this to people you know this is effecting.
Ever since I was small, I hated myself. I also hated glass,mirrors, and just about anything else that cast a reflection.My life I thought was just as ugly and complicated. It was family oriented. I was never popular.As a matter fact it led up to me losing just about everything. Friends,family, and the little securities life offers most people as it starts.Where swiftly taken away from me as a late teenager. Because I was a girl forcing my self to fit in as a man. until I just couldn’t take it any more.I planned to kill myself.I tried at-least 8 times until i realized being my self is a whole lot less violent.
Well that is what I thought until the entire world made it it’s very mission to prove me wrong.
I think keeping the T on lbgt is hurting us by association.I understand having as many allies as possible is important. At times our struggles can be quite similar and quite a few transfolk are gay themselves.Yet, we as a group need to show we have several of our own perils not intertwining with homosexuality. That being trans isn’t just the hyper-feminine version of homosexuality most assume it is.
Not to mention many LGB are just as ignorant as their heterosexual counterpart.Which is sad because i’m literally forced share a culture with a group of people who don’t share my medical concerns, rejections, or even understand why those things might even be problems or care.
Please be aware these are just my opinions.
I can’t tell if I’m wrong for having limited trust. I don’t know if never lifting my guard is bad.But what I do know is every time I’ve tried someone has hurt me.Someone close to me has unconsciously placed me in situations where my safety has been challenged. I’m paranoid and unhappy. But at least I’m safe and alive.
Trans-life is the very honest story of how I got to this point. How I went from a optimistic young woman to a drug abuser.Who is probably going to kill her self in a few years.I need an outlet desperately.So I chose blogging a series of post in attempt to relate to the outside world.My name is Emptee, and its nice to meet anyone who bothered to read.